Funny Jokes

[~Blaze~]

Story 1: Timing

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, "Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape. Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea: "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "


Story 2: Ah Beng tiok Toto

Ah Beng rushed in to his house and shouted for his wife, " Lian, Ah Lian ah, quick, quick, pack your bags, ho say leow, I kanna Toto. One meellion lollars." His wife, Ah Lian, came out of the kitchen, and asked, "Wah....this time song leow! Where should we go, ha? Should I pack for A-merry-ca or Chip Poon, ha.....?".

"No," said Ah Beng. "Just pack your bags and ka lim peh keong kan (f-off)"


Story 3: Drinks

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."

The crowd shouts,"Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"

Host : "Quiet please."

Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need their help? I got more original answer : Gu ni!" (cow milk in hokkien)

---
Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible
headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought
medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another,he finally
came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

The good news is that I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure
creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to
remove your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live
for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question,
but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for
the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that
he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and
pointed one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44, long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the suit and it fitted him perfectly.
As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about some new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see 91/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, the salesman said, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure".
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you with this one! I've been wearing size 34
since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and tutted, "No, no, Sir, you can't wear size
34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and
give you a terrible headache."

---

Tim wanted to "do" a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else.

One day Tiim got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give
you a $1000 dollars if you let me 'do' you but the girl said NO.

Tim said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down,I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend
says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even
be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call.

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened? She
said....


Scroll down for answer!



































"THE ******* USED COINS!!!" HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA....................

---
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty
> >miles perhour.The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly
> >looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
> >
> >"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but

> >I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road
> >ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks
> >again.
> >
> >"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because
> >I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far
> >better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips
> >the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

> >mph.
> >
> >He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to
> >60 mph."I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says,
> >"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
> >The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
> >This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
> >anything you want?"
> >
> >The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,
> >I've got everything I need." she says. Oh, really?" he inquires, "So

> >what have you got?"
> >
> >Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him

> >and smiles. ...."The airbag."....
> >
> >Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
> >Moral of the story:
> >
> >Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only). The
> >husband sure die and wife gets everything!
> >
> >So, for a husband don't buy a Vios today....
> >Husbands, pls take insurance! but.. think twice for MCIS insurance.
> >
> >Know why?
> >
> >" M.C.I.S "= Mati Cepat Isteri Senang [Rough Translationie Faster, Wife Free/Happy]

---
>A jobless man applied for the position of "office
>boy" at Microsoft.
>
>The HR manager interviewed him then watched him
>cleaning the floor as a
>test.
>"You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail
>address and I'll send you
>the application to fill in, as well as date when you
>may start."
>The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither
>an email".
>"I'm sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have
>an email, that means you
>do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the
>job."
>
>The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what
> to do, with only $10
>in his pocket. He then decided to go to the
>supermarket and buy a 10Kg
>tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to
>door round. In less
>than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital.
>He repeated the
>operation three times, and returned home with $60.
>The man realized that he can survive by this way, and
>started to go everyday
>earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or
>tripled every day.
>Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he
>had his own fleet of
>delivery vehicles.
>5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food
>retailers in the US. He
>started to plan his family's future, and decided to
>have a life insurance.
>He called an insurance broker, and chose a
>protection plan.
>When the conversation was concluded the broker asked
>him his email.
>
>The man replied, "I don't have an email."
>The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an
>email, and yet have
>succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what
>you could have been if
>you had an e mail?!!!"
>The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be
>an office boy at
>Microsoft!"
>Moral of the story
>M1 - The Internet is not the solution to your life.
>M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you
>can be a millionaire.
>M3- If you received this message by email, you are
>closer to being an office
>boy/girl, than a millionaire... Have a great day!!!
>
>P.S - Do not forward this email back to me, I am
>closing my email , resign from my recent job & going to
>sell tomatoes!!!

[Kyo]

LMFAO. He used coins!!! Golden!!

[shortxswt]

I didn't get the second story is it in some kind of language?

[~Blaze~]

yeah, hokkien i think, i also dont understand hokkien actually, but my friends kinda help translate for me xD

[ihateyou.x3]

i didnt really get the 2nd story either..but the 1st story was good..lol

[naxus]

hm... dont understand the 2nd joke...

[yens0ul]

LOLOL i love these jokes hahahahaxD

[MD-rocker]

im also stuck at the 2nd joke... my hokkien is nt that "fantastic" too,

A-merry-ca -->America
Chip Poon --> Japan...

i still noe wat lim beh means(but i dont think i can say it here LOL),
but im blur with "keong kan"...WATS TAT?!